Shirley believes that the core of parenting is the ability of parents to understand the difference between ‘Love’ and ‘Benevolence’, because all benevolent parents are loving, but not all loving parents are benevolent. Chinese philosopher Confucius spent his whole life advocating the significance of Benevolence in the relationship of two people and implied that “to love a person is to meet this person’s true needs”. In parenting, according to American psychologist Abraham Maslow, the true needs of children are their basic and psychological needs, which he described as the “Hierarchy of Needs”.
Many children are abused or spoiled in the name of love because their parents do not see their children’s basic and psychological human needs and so are, therefore, unable to meet them. Yet, just like calcium is important to the bone health of children all over the world, benevolent parents are important to the psychological health and well being of children regardless of geographic and cultural boundaries.

For example, most loving Chinese parents are so anxious to teach their children well that they hardly sense the pain they inflict on their children and thus can seriously oppress their children’s needs for ‘affection’ and ‘security’. On the other hand, many American parents are so concerned about the self esteem of their children that they can’t feel the danger of creating an inflated ego for their children that could actually do more harm than good to children’s ‘esteem’ needs.(More on Children’s human needs in FAQ)

In order to help parents see a more holistic picture in parenting, Shirley decided to introduce Chinese philosophy to western parenting. In her first book The Three Virtues of Effective Parenting, she wrote about how the teachings of Confucius on the power of three virtues, namely, Benevolence, Wisdom and Courage, can help parents cultivate a loving heart and a wise mind even during fearful moments in parenting. For the past five years, she has further explored another great Chinese theory, the Yin Yan phenomenon. This has helped her to understand the reason why so many parents are depending too heavily on their analytical (yan) mind while ignoring their intuition (yin), thus leading them to focus on ‘What to do now?’ instead of ‘What my child needs from me now?’

Yin Yang Theory

In brief, Yin and Yang are Chinese Taoism principles with reference dating back as far as 700 BCE, however, they are still integral to the Chinese culture today. According to the Yin Yang theory, everything contains Yin and Yang energy, which are two opposite yet complementary energies that can also be interdependent of each other. In general, but not always, weaker and invisible elements are yin while stronger and visible elements are yang. (More on Yin Yang Theory in FAQ)

For example, cold is yin and hot is yang, mind is yin and body is yang.   They are opposites, and yet it is impossible to have one without the other. Both create a totality, a complete whole and a balance, which ultimately brings harmony. In parenting,

  • freedom is yin and control is yang
  • feeling is yin and thinking is yang
  • listening is yin and talking is yang
  • Children’s intangible ‘needs’ are yin and their tangible ‘wants’ are yang.

These yin and yang elements play a crucial part in effective parenting. Yet, most parents are more aware of just the yang elements for they seem obvious and easier to maneuver and can often reward parents with instant gratification. Conversely, yin energy such as benevolence, patience, compassion and understanding – which are intangible and time consuming -are actually essential parenting virtues to help children thrive and reach their full potential.

In general, Chinese parents are considered too controlling while American parents too liberal. For many years Shirley was confused as to where to draw the line between ‘control’ and ‘freedom’, and was torn between the American and Chinese cultures. As she started to study the Yin Yang phenomenon, it became clear to her that she did not need to draw any lines, for yin yang forces are not only complementary, but can also transform into each other. For example, control and freedom can be complementary if parents can deliver harsh disciplinary measures (yang) with a gentle (yin) voice, or give freedom (yin) to children with firm (yang) rules. Control and freedom can also be transformative in parenting when freedom given to trustworthy children will transform into self control for the child, while parents’ repressive control will drive children to convert control to freedom.

Hierarchy of Needs and Benevolence

Philosophical studies are only part of Shirley’s parenting approach. The other half of her philosophy is based on American psychology and parenting education. She has always found Abraham Maslow’s Humanistic Psychology enlightening, especially his theory of Hierarchy of Needs that teaches the different levels of human needs. (See more on ‘Hierarchy of Needs’ in FAQ). Maslow pointed out that a person whose lower level needs are not met, will not be able to realize the need to self actualize. In many studies, those who are self motivated to reach their full potential in life, showed that their basic human needs were met and they felt secure, loved, accepted by others and confident. This theory has helped Shirley complete her research on the definition of ‘Benevolence’ and how Benevolence is the key to effective parenting.

For years, Shirley was not contented with the definition of ‘Benevolence’ in Chinese and English books about Confucius’ teaching. She knew that Benevolence cannot simply be ‘love people’ or ‘be compassionate”. When she started to write about Benevolence in parenting, she realized that most parents love their children, but not all of them are Benevolent parents; many are spoiling their children with indulgence or hurting their children by mistreating them (verbally or physically). After studying many Chinese and English interpretations of ‘Benevolence’, she believes that “Benevolence is to love people and to be able to meet their needs” and this can be applied to anyone including ourselves. For example, we can be benevolent to a stranger who looks sad and tired at the bus stop by allowing her to pat our dogs and putting a smile back on her face, or we can be benevolent to overweight children by not stocking up the fridge with ice creams. Likewise, we can be benevolent to ourselves by permitting ourselves to take care of ourselves first before taking care of others.

Shirley’s passion in parenting education is greatly caused by her belief in the ‘tipping point’ and ‘critical mass’ concepts, which explain how one force will grow to the point that it will dominate and eventually destroy the counter force. This is supported by the ‘Mutual Consumption’ principle of the yin yang theory, which explains that yin and yang have a reciprocal relationship, with the strength of one depending on the weakness of the other. Based upon this belief, Shirley hopes that more children will be able to fulfill their basic and psychological human needs in their formative years, so that they can one day be the counter forces for narcissism and hostility in the world.